Fears

I connected with an old friend today ... in high school our mothers died and our fathers moved outside the school district. We carpooled senior year and shared the flirty banter you share with the opposite sex.

I've often felt we were on parallel tracks. Today that parallel track intersected ... it will probably deviate, a wide pendulum swing following the collision, but still ...

My biggest fear for many years was that I would die in the same way my mother did ... breast cancer at age 43.

Now that I'm living a chronic illness that is not life threatening (at least not like cancer), I see things a bit differently.

That's not to say that when I go for my biannual mammogram, get the letter in the mail that it was irregular, or pass the 43 year mile marker that I won't struggle with my mortality and flinch at the memory of my mom's premature death.

It's just that I have more perspective. Some of the things that were scary and unimaginable before are a little -just a little - demystified. Kind of like when Toto pulls the curtain back and reveals the man behind the Wizard of Oz pageantry. Kind of.

So my old friend whose mother died too young, of cancer, like my mom ... turns out his wife has the same chronic illness that I have. I know only 4 people that have this same condition - not that it's rare, but still - what are the chances? Arthur - my name of choice for this disease - has taken up residence in both our homes.

His mom died at age 39 ... we're now 37 ... his mom had Arthur, and then cancer. I think he's in the throes of seeing the specter projected on the screen - mystic and mystifying - and seeing his and his wife's mortality - in glittering horror.

My thoughts go out to him. Some things can be just too close to home - his past and his present - hopefully not his future.

My Favorite Things ... for the moment

The Word "Asinine"
Cormac McCarthy's "The Road"
Articulate Men
Lazy Days
Finishing Projects
If Snow Days Applied to Adults (not just teachers & students)
Skype
Precor AMT
Oscar's Red Carpet

Wistful

Today I heard from an old friend ... and as a result am feeling terribly, incredibly wistful.

Why is it that all of the ghosts of boyfriends past seem to circle back around at inopportune times? They've been radio silent, we've parted ways years ago, and suddenly they're in touch. Of course by now they're married, with children, and curious about what's going on with me.

Most are bygones, I'm not remotely interested in having a friendship with them after all these years in any shape or form ...

I don't get it - why they suddenly think we can resurrect a friendship? One ex went so far as to send me a secret admirer letter. Then said he doesn't have anything in common with his wife and wouldn't I play games with him on pogo.com? Just weird.

No good can come of it was what I say.

Except today.

That exact same whoosh of feelings burst out after eight years. Eight friggin' years! I'm giddy all over again. Amazingly so.

As much as I miss his friendship and crave it, tonight I ache. Buckets-full of ache.

Woe is wistful, wistful me.

I'm McLovin Them Cupcakers

This weekend I saw "Superbad" with at least 50% of the SLU & Wash U students at the Chase. They were ALL there ... which made it all the more entertaining while waiting in line to enter the theatre - excellent teenage people watching! The flick was a pretty good, sex-crazed teenage boy movie with lots of laughs with prime billing of my boy Michael Cera from "Arrested Development."

Also checked out Jilly's Cupcakes - yum, yum. Highly recommended for double duty - eye candy and taste bud tantalizing - all at the same time.

Final bit of the weekend was sweating outside at a bbq - and carrying a pan of cooked meat 1/2 mile - from one pavillon grill to the pavillon with all the peeps. Fun, fun.

Ta, MB

Babies, Babies, Everywhere

80% of the people I know are having babies in 2007. This is not (much) of an exaggeration. While I love babies, and am exceptionally excited for my friends and for the bounty of babies in which to quench my baby yearnings, it does seem a little like a conspiracy. But I've never been known for over-analyzing, chasing my tail mentally in circles, like a crazy-wild dog. No, I never over think, ever.

Honestly, it's all good stuff. And it makes sense as I'm in my mid-30s (aka "almost 40" as my friend ML reminded me) that many of my friends who did not have kids in their 20s would be doing it now before the big four-oh.

Gotta admit that I hadn't planned on being where I am, right here, right now, at 36. It's a good place, far from bad, and I feel more in charge, in control and confident than ever before - but I guess in some ways I always assumed I'd be married and have kids by now. No minivan, mind you - EVER - but kids, yes.

Funny how we have control over so many things - but the more elusive ones - such as getting pregnant, carrying to term, finding Mr. Right - don't always adhere to our own timeline. I used to make fun of the chick on The Bachelor a few years back who said on the first night of the show "my eggs are dying." I don't feel that strongly, but I am aware more than ever that eggs don't regenerate like sperm.

As the biological clock ticks, and I kiss a few more frogs off the internet, I do wonder if/when I make a choice to have a child - whether in vitro or via adoption - or keep dating and waiting for the spouse.

They're very different - children and husbands - and can be unique from one another ...

My friend M says she'd rather have a husband than a child. If I had to pick, with my somewhat pessimistic outlook on the longevity of marriages, right now I'd probably go for the child and hope that in the next 40 years of life I find the man to complete the puzzle.

Wow. Hadn't anticipated on returning to the blog after a month or so absence with such a post, but here it is.

I'll try to get back on sooner than later with something a little lighter and entertaining.

Wheel of Torture's brother Bob

I came home from writers group tonight and found a version of that "America's Funniest Home Videos" show on.

For some reason, not unlike the Wheel, this show repulses me. Bob Sauget - great on that Olsen twin tv show years ago with John Stamos - annoying as heck as a tv show host. And then there's the canned laughter and pans of the audience cracking up - awful. Ok techniques back in the 70s for Candid Camera, downright antiquated and corny now.

My dad likes the home video shows. Last time I had my family over for dinner, as I was finishing up the preparations in the kitchen, he was fixated on Bob Sauget and the corny videos combined with audience participation to vote on the "best" video. Course this is the same man who shunned Seinfeld until it moved to the 10pm time slot to compete with the news! And, it's taken about 20 years to get him past the 70s attire, so I'll cut my dad some slack. But not Bob - he's dead to me.

Evil Twin

Somewhere out there is my evil twin. I have a hunch that she lives in North Carolina, or used to.

Now she's married to the EFW that I always thought I'd be married to - before he went radio silent but after he told me he had met my twin at the grocery store. Yes, my twin - same infectious laugh, hazel eyes, blushing complexion. But in North Carolina.

I didn't know that I had a 'twin' and never thought real people actually met at the grocery store. I picture them meeting while sniffing or squeezing avocados (or whatever you do to test their ripeness) and then some cheesy pick up line about guacamole. And then I flash forward to the wedding - where the whole avocado incident is shared with the guests, laughter ensues, blah blah blah.

Who does that? Who meets the Mr or Mrs Right in the produce section? If you ask me, that's the stuff of 1980's romantic comedies, not real life in the past decade! Anyway, that's how my evil twin met my EFW. Or so I imagine from his cryptic messages.

In college my friends M & T were often confused for one another. It was mainly the beer goggling frat boys who confused them. They did bear a certain resemblance, but T was definitely the evil twin. M, even in her wildly out of character moments could not compete against T for the title of most wicked. They'd often exchange tales of boys who thought they were the other, referencing past shacking experiences and details. It was pretty entertaining stuff. Course, a lot about college is entertaining without evening trying to be.

Anyway, bygones to my twin ... and now it's up to me to be the wicked one!

Picture Book

Why do people ask "Why aren't you married?" I'm sure it's meant kindly, in general, but the underlying question (at least to the singleton's ears) is "What's wrong with you?"

M has taken to using her online dating membership to document the reason WHY she is STILL SINGLE. She takes pictures with her digital camera of the most peculiar ... so it's a picture of a picture of a person from their online profile. Amazingly, they come out quite well. Funny thing, technology. Online dating can prevent you from cutting and pasting but resourceful ones like M don't let that stop them.

Yesterday at M's bday lunch she showed me the latest offenders. One dude was in bed, under the covers, topless, spooning with his dog. I think he had a choke hold on the dog, to be honest. Kind of a strange first impression, though I bet he didn't mean it to be. Another was a scrawny little dude, again shirtless, but wearing an American flag apron in a bit of a Swedish chef pose. If it was on youtube as a video, probably would be hilarious. As a freeze frame match - notsomuch.

So last night, instead of doing projects I should have been doing, I got out my camera, set it to macro, and culled through the parade of matches for the most peculiar.

Watch out - some may be posted here later ... maybe.

Stop the World, I Wanna Get Off

My friend Steph said this once - weak and woozy at the time - and ever since "Stop the World, I Wanna Get off" has taken on so many meanings.

The original image that goes along with this saying is of an 18-year old, in the early 90s, sprawled on the floor, splayed on the area rug in our four person dorm room. It's a funny pose - haphazardly landing on the floor in a contorted fetal position. Nothing broken, just recovering from a moment in which a college freshman resorts to spinning and spinning and spinning in place until ... until her legs gave out, vision blurry, heart racing and then plop - grounded on the floor in a recovery pose.

There are many more moments like this - where a pause in life's spinning top motion wouldn't be such a bad thing. A snooze button, if you will, on the usually frenetic, multi-tasking, information-overloaded pace of life today.

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up

Adventures in Online Dating - some borrowed from friends, some my own ...

Tall Tales from Petite E's adventures:

-Invited to a martini party by a match. This guy sold his condo and moved in with a bunch of guys because he felt like a loner homeowner. He's spent a couple hundred dollars on alcohol and is making up "little martini menus" for the par-tay. I'm sorry, are you regressing to the frat house life? It was fun and all in college, but really. And what man uses the adjective "little"?!

-Another asked her if she had a long tongue - explaining that it wasn't pervy just a "kissy thingy". For real.

As for me, I unfortunately have nothing that compares to E's - this week! I am going to meet the match also known as Errol Flynn this weekend - more on that next week.

Stay tuned.

Coming Home

I found an unexpected box on my front doorstep today. I love getting cards and packages the good, old fashioned way!

It was a slightly belated (by eight months, give or take) b-day gift from my dear friend MJ. As she put it: "they were on their way this summer but turned left at Labor Day and decided to do a thesis on European Christmas customs."

She sent some great goodies my way ... wrapped and packaged in a very MJ way. One was wrapped in tissue paper and multi-colored woolly yarn. The tissue was crimped and twisted and rather three-dimensional. Pretty much a piece of modern art with its crunchy, crinkly appearance. And the yarn wove through the tissue in unexpected places - sort of like haphazard shoe laces. It was raveled round and round the book and the tissue paper.

I felt like a cat with string - unwrapping, unwinding, unwrapping, batting it around.

It was perfect.

Email from my 94-year old Gram

thanks for your e-mail congrats on your new job hope you enjoyed your
Presidrnts Day holiday Dot checked me into this computer but she left
me on
my own and I 've forgotten just exactly when I am flying out also
forgot
what other questions you asked ( I'm laughing at myself) is Susie
the
friend who lives near you? yes I have my flight booked - don't
remember
just when Dot booked it.

Sugar High

Having a resourceful scavenger dog necessitates putting tempting food outside her access ... Ru has inhaled: a bag of brown sugar; an entire angel food cake; rotten fish & cheese remnants (from the trash); part of the cordless phone (and battery pack); and the sleeve of a silk jacket.

She always leaves the remnants on the living room rug. Living room rugs seem to be canine dinner tables. Particularly in homes with wood floors and very few soft flooring areas.

Over the years Ru has trained me - it's taken awhile, but I'm learning. Nothing is left on countertops unless I want it demolished or licked clean.

Or I forget. Today I ran to Target, came home, dropped off my bags and ran back out. Leaving my pre-Easter candy (Cadbury mini eggs) on the countertop.

Three hours later, upon returning home, I spy a shadow on the rug ... ripped up, licked clean, Cadbury bag. It's inside out - the purple exterior splayed open to show the dog licked white insides. And no errant chocolate eggs to be found anywhere - except in Ru's belly. As she gallops to the back door, waiting to be let out as I take in the scene of the dine, I hear her gulping water. Sugar high, she needs some water (or milk) to wash down her unintended treat. Probably has to pee like a racehorse too since she ingested a lot of sweets.

In the past (the Lindor balls, for example), I've called the vet. Chocolate kills dogs, after all. Fortunately, this pooch is no lightweight. From her stray days (or simply because she is a dog), she has a strong constitution. For her body weight the Cadbury has only dehydrated and caffeinated her. If the punctured battery pack didn't hurt her, I seriously doubt the Cadbury binge will.

Still I'll keep an eye on her for the next hour or two ...

Thinking warm thoughts ...

It snowed this week - which was lovely. But it also has been below freezing for a handful of days. And I'm over the below freezing and gusty wind stuff.

Granted, it could be far worse - like in upstate New York with a record-breaking 63 inches of snow in February. But I personally would be a happier homo sapiens if temps stayed between the mid-30s to mid-80s. After all, a 50 degree range seems quite reasonable a request. Heck, I'd let it go up to 90 if we could cut back on humidity.

While I am well aware that I have conditions attached to my concessions, can't a girl wish?

Speaking of, some troubling tales from the land of e-dating:

-J closed a guy dressed as Spartacus in his photo section. And then there was the guy (allegedly seeking women) and yet his profile referred to his ideal mate as "he" this and "he" that.

-M was closed by a guy who basically told her that (in his mind) she was too ambitious professionally and too "old" to fulfill his desire for two children (and the unsaid - a stay at home trophy wife). He then ended it with an emoticon.

-I closed a guy who loved the pageantry arts. After I figured out just exactly what "pageantry arts" meant, which are not really objectionable, but ...

-M and E were matched with a dude that is topless in his picture, and so should not be. Man boobs, deer in the headlights bug-eyes, and the most hideous 1960s era sofa in the background.

Must confess that I think it's better that we learn these things within the safety of our own homes - in comfortable pjs, eyeglasses, and hair in a ponytail - rather than having gone to the trouble of makeup, hair, outfit for a first date of tortuous length with an M&M sweatshirt wearing goober.

Captain Darkoffice

So Captain Darkoffice - formerly a source of entertainment - became my boss last month. Must admit that at first, I wasn't totally keen on it. More like mentally resistant, but for no good reason ... apart from the fact that he looked like a gamer rather than a boss. Torchiere lamp, hunched over laptop, earbuds in, and a goofy sense of humor.

Anyway, since I had no professional reason to dispute the change in reporting, I (grudgingly) tried to warm up to the idea.

And I must confess that I've been pleasantly surprised ... not to mention relieved that he has the sense to turn on the overhead lights when others come to his office for meetings - at least most of the time.

Nevertheless I am changing positions within the company and will soon be leaving Captain Darkhorse.

Did I Mention ...

Roxanne by The Police?

Of course a list is a list that is meant to be altered according to whim.

MB's Top 25 Songs of All Time

In no particular order

1 - Runaround Sue - Dion
2 - Where the Streets Have No Name - U2
3 - Anotherloverholenyohead - Prince
4 - In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
5 - Mother and Child Reunion - Paul Simon
6 - Slave to Love - Bryan Ferry
7 - Paint It Black - Rolling Stones
8 - Four Seasons In One Day - Crowded House
9 - I Need a Man - Eurthymics
10 - Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
11 - Love Will Come to You - Indigo Girls
12 - We Meet, We Part, We Remember - the Holmes Brothers
13 - Authority Song - John Mellencamp
14 - Show Me Your Soul - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
15 - Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order
16 - Three Babies - Sinead O'Connor
17 - Coming Around Again - Carly Simon
18 - Downtown - Petula Clark
19 - Come on Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners
20 - Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley
21 - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - Monty Python
22 - Cecilia - Simon & Garfunkel
23 - Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
24 - Canned Heat - Jamiroquai
25 - Let's Dance - David Bowie

Oompa Loompas, Teenage Soap Operas and CBS Crime Shows

Ok, this is trivial, and I could google it, but it just happened like an hour ago - and I feel the need to post, but can't think of anything better.

So here goes:

Was Dawson (James van der Beek) a rellgious, split personality poacher/murderer tonight on Criminal Minds?

I thought I saw sweet ol' Dawson behind that gruff stubble and zealotry ... but I could be wrong. It could have been another actor who slightly resembles an oompa loompa.

But I just looked in imdb.com - and alas, it was my little Wonka pal.

Over and Under

Just read Nikolai Gogol's short story, The Overcoat, and just beforehand read The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri. The latter has a connection to the former. Pretty interesting, all in all. I'd recommend reading both. PLUS, The Namesake is going to be a movie soon - and the trailer looked quite good. Hopefully they'll keep it faithful to the novel.

And, back to the former, with winter in full swing, a heavy (over)coat is a necessity. Brrrrr ...

Overcoat is so not a word used today. Nor is underwear or underpants used in most business conversations, unless you work for an undergarment company, I suppose. And yet everyone has their particular way of referring to undergarments - my friend H in Seattle calls them "unders" while her husband refers to hers as "East German underwear." And there's something silly about the term underpants. It's highly underrated. Underwear and undergarments are overused.

Today at a business lunch "underpants" received some much needed air time. My colleague K and I have a bit of a game going (only when semi-appropriate). It all started when another colleague used this word in a meeting. The same meeting in which peeing on the third rail and the chance of electrocution was discussed.

Don't ask, as this makes it sound like I work for Michael Scott. And I don't. (I actually work for an inoffensive man with a very distinct laugh.) Needless to say, there were creative sorts in the meeting and, well, "underpants" was used. And now K and I (at least for this past week) have strategically inserted the term "underpants" within the context of any business gathering together.

Must say it's been a wonderfully silly diversion. And soon it will flee my vocabulary - down the chute, into the laundry basket.

Are E-moticons E-masculating?

In the world of internet dating, there are a fair amount of freaks.

My friend M, who is also dating online, recently expressed frustration with the quality of men, her trials to remain open minded, only to be burned by bozos. Frustrated, she rattled off the latest offenses.

She surprised me by voicing a bias that I have: men who use emoticons. I must admit that I don't get why people use them so much. I know that email can be flat and subject to misinterpretation, BUT do we really need them? Aren't they kind of cheesy and effeminate?

Do real men use emoticons?

Maybe I was tormented by a smiley faced mylar balloon as a child and have since repressed it - but I must confess that those bouncy, yellow smiley faces that people add to emails and IMs spook me out. As for the static versions, a little goes a looong, long way. Two is two too many for me. No joke.

Another question: Is IM really all that? In a world of land lines and cell phones and text messaging and emails, do we really need another avenue of communication? I understand it's popular with the teens and certainly has a place in the work world, but ... My latest match wants to forego emailing for instant messaging. I'm trying to flexible, trying to get past his overuse of :) and ;)s in his messages - but when is it too much of not enough?